Why Black Men Don't Church

It turns out that my topic has been switched. Instead of talking about black male myths, I'll be talking about something akin to a black male fact, which I can only come at from a personal angle. This fact? Black men ain't at church on Sunday, at least not with the frequency and regularity of black women.

I can only speculate as to why, but I'll give you several semi-serious reasons and excuses that black men like me have difficulties with being in church every Sunday.

The Personal Reasons
These are the reasons I think I share with a lot of brothers, some of them admittedly trifling, but I'm telling you honestly what goes through a mind that's in bed on a Sunday morning.

You Can't Preach
My number one reason for avoiding church is the low quality of the oration of some of the preachers out there. How many times have I heard ministers drone on and on about Saul of Tarsus on the road to Damascus and how we must make our own transformations and leave our prior lives behind? How many times have I heard ministers talk about their own temptations and how they were worthless sinners and skirt chasers and how all us men are dogs like they used to be? How many times have I had to sit through the junior minister stumbling or the guest pastor from out of town.

It's My Money
Yeah that's right, and guess what? God doesn't need my money. The Church needs my money. They've always needed my money and they've always tried to convince me that God wants me to give it to them. I've been praying to Jesus since I was 8 years old and never once has He told me, "can you help a brotha out?" I understand that I owe something to my less fortunate brothers, but I'll be damned (I guess so) before I give it to a minister who drives a better car than me. I don't mind supporting ministries, but I've got my priorities.

It's My Day Off
A brother works hard all week long. Now if I could go to Church at 10am and be done at 11am, I'd be fine. But you know and I know some ministers act like we have nothing else to do all day Sunday. OK I understand that you slaved over a hot desk working on that sermon all week and you just can't wait to rock our worlds with your message, but uhm... some of us are just checking in.

Church is Just Church
And I've got options. Now I could envision one day, perhaps after I have paid my debt to society and get out of jail and don't have a job or any friends or anyone who trusts me, I will be in church all the time. I'll come on Sunday, and I'll hang around and eat all the cookies, and I'll stare lovingly at the homely single women in their 40s, and I'll be back for Bible Study. And I'll come on the day we read to the shut-ins, and I'll volunteer to drive the church bus. I'll always help put away the chairs in the parish hall and I'll straighten out all the fliers on the bulletin board. But until then I actually do have a busy life to enjoy that centers around my family and community, not church. I got places to go and things to do.

The Sectarian Reasons
I've got some sectarian reasons too. See I grew up going to Catholic School and was confirmed Episcopalian. So although I have also gone deep into the black protestant tradition, me and evangelicals have issues. These have become a great deal more important to me than I ever thought they'd be, and it's somewhat surprising to me that I feel them with some passionate depth. The first two are very important, the others.. well I'm just being partisan and persnickety.

Spontaneaity vs Tradition
One of the deepest spiritual moments in my life came to me as I visited the cathedral in Milan, Il Duomo. I was just in time for morning chapel service which was being held behind the main altar. Being a kid of Vatican II, I could only vaguely understand the words of the traditional Latin mass. But structurally I knew everything that was going on. And I felt immediately and intimately connected to a tradition hundreds of years old in a massive church halfway around the world.

We all know that Jesus said that when two or three are gathered together in prayer that He would be in our midst. So anywhere and everywhere can be 'church', including a park bench or the little storefront. But what makes church extraordinary is the service, the Mass, the Rite. I want ritual and reverence. I want my religion to be old time, unchanging and static against the unpredictability of this world. When I walk in the door I want to know exactly what to expect. I want to know all the songs, all the words, all the movements. I want a calendar that says this is the second Sunday of Advent, this is the Bible verse and lesson for this week.

I can get this in the Black Church, and AME does it well, but straight black Anglican does it best. And I am pleased to see conservative Africans in the Anglican Church making their presense known and felt, but I'm getting off on a tangent. Most black churches, however tend to be much more spontaneous.

No Communion
There are people who really do get spiritual sustenance from hearing the music or the preaching. I don't know how they do it. I am renewed without fail, without fail I say, by recieving the sacrament of His precious body and blood. Without the Eucharist, church is just a bunch of people. I'm sorry.

Alter Call
I have been to some extraordinary services in which the minister has such a loving and empathetic presence that you just want him to touch you. It's something you can tell within the first few paragraphs of their sermons. And when they wind up, you cannot wait to get up front and get a taste of God's power flowing through him. I particularly remember one like this at St. Paul's AME in Cambridge, MA and the woman who ministers at Church of the Advent in LA on Adams Blvd. But some ministers simply cannot swing it. They just never hit the right note and it sounds like begging. That's embarassing.

Revving up the Spirit
Have you ever sat in Church and it's hot and nobody is really catching the spirit and the minister just won't quit? I mean this is just like a hiphop concert and the dude on stage is telling me to make some noise. No brother, I came here for you to deliver your words unto me. Not for me to stroke your ego by making some noise. Sorry but I'm not jumping up and down for you.

Golf
Need I say more?

The Single Man's Reasons
Church is society too. When I was single my reasons for going to church, and not going to church were different than they are now. I think you'll find some of these resonating with you. But let's make it explicit. I'm talking about going to black churches in search of black women. There are reasons to go, and there are reasons to stay away.

The Soul Patrol
You all know what happens the first time you go to church with your new girl. You're a visitor. Stand up. Oh you're a nice looking young man, we hope to see you again. Then they process you. You get the forms and the schedule and scrutiny. Everybody is after your soul. Is this going to be your new church home? You know we can use a stand-up brother like yourself. You don't drink alcohol do you?

Then if you come back a second time, you all must be serious. People start hinting at marriage and telling you about her old boyfriend. Plus you know that your girl is subjecting you to all this to pull you in. It's part of the grand scheme. Basically, you can't 'just' go to church. Because if your girl and your church aren't both a match, it's downhill.

Talent / No Talent
Now I'm going to admit it and you might as well admit it too. If you don't have a girl, church can be a pretty good place to find one. Especially if there's a wedding or it's Easter or some special occasion. In the Cobb MBA Program (master of babe acquisition), Rule 23 states:

If you have to go to church on a babe hunt, don't go on an ordinary Sunday. All you'll find on an ordinary Sunday are Church Girls. They have no life and they will suck you into their emptiness. Go on Easter, go at Christmas, go to weddings. That's when the Church Girls can convince their more interesting girlfriends that *you* are going to be there. Don't disappoint them.

It only takes a minute to fall in love. But it takes less than that to know when there is no talent. I mean we pretend that there are possibilities but some churches just... well I think you know how blunt is the brunt of my implication.

I Was Out Really Late Last Night
So the 8:00 service is out of the question. So I lay down and stare at the cieling as it spins. Hmm. Maybe 10:30 service. And then you start trying to remember which church has an 11:00 service. Then maybe you can come in late.. then.. nevermind, the game is on. Sunday is the day God gave man to lie around in his underwear before he has to go back to work. Thanks God. Are we cool?

The Rebel Period
All of us go through a rebel period. If we don't, then we are only half the men we might otherwise be. The rebel period is generally characterized by a severe haircut and/or attitude which is entirely inappropriate for church. For some of us, that attitude is called Atheism and the rebel period lasts all of our lives. We know it and we don't pretend otherwise. We're bad men and we jaust ain't going to church. Period.

I Wasn't Out Really Late Last Night
Meaning I scored. And I'm not about to push this lovely young lady out of my bed. So don't even ask me what I'm doing this morning, OK?